Wordless Wednesday (wordless from ME, anyway)

Sad but true...

I hate to put this in writing for everyone to see (and point out to me all the time) but it's a true story.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I love coffee. Love, L-o-v-e me some coffee! Especially the good stuff. Ya know, Starbucks (aka Crackbucks for the addiction factor). Well, I saved a lot of money during my first few months of Chemo because the "bad" chemo drugs I had for my first 4 sessions kill your tastebuds (and everything else in your body, good or bad) so I lost the urge for it. In fact, I really missed it, so I would occasionally go through the S'bucks drive-thru thinking after I tasted it again surely I would enjoy it. Each time, I was disappointed. It not only didn't taste good, (no matter which drink I tried) it made me a little sick. I didn't even make any at home for months...It was a strange time to say the least!

I'm happy to say that the coffee cravings are back! Not that it's necessarily good for me, I know, but I don't drink sodas, so I figure the caffeine trade off is fair. It's sad to admit that just having the espresso running through my veins makes me a little happier inside, but it's true...ok, I admit it.

We've all got our issues, right? Don't judge ;-)

6 Down, 2 to go!

Last Monday was Chemo #6. It sounds SO good to say I only have 2 treatments left!!! This one was about the same as the last, not wonderful, but definitely tolerable.
Well, actually it was easier than the last one because I didn't get dehydrated and therefore as terribly exhausted this time.
The body aches started on Tuesday evening, and lasted until Friday evening, but I'm not sure they were quite as intense this time.
I was able to get a little more work done this past chemo week, which always makes me feel more normal.
Yay for almost being done!!!

My word for 2010

After much thought, and reading other people's blogs on the word they are going to meditate on for 2010, I have finally come up with mine. Okay, it's not very original, but it applies, so here it is:I keep having the word "Hope" come up in conversations and posts, and it has just been jumping out at me. In fact, I received the sweetest note from my mother-in-law today that sealed the deal for me. Her note had this verse at the bottom that I will be keeping close to me.

"Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times."
Romans 12:12

Here's another couple of verses I found that I really love:
"We also have joy with our troubles because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out His love to fill our hearts."
Romans 5:3-5

This year, I will be focusing on Hope, rather than on worry...well, I'll be trying really hard daily to shift my focus to Hope. Worry plagues my everyday life, and most of my thoughts, but I am going to choose to focus on the Hope for my future, and let Hope give me the comfort that I need to face another day without fear.

I found these quotes tonight when I stumbled upon beliefnet.com, and I really got a lot from some of the articles on there.
"To live without hope is to cease to live" -Fyodor Dostoevsky
"Hope is rooted in empowerment and personal control"

This was in an article by a lady named Lori Hope, who was diagnosed with lung cancer, but chose to live with Hope everyday. She posted this in an article also on beliefnet.com & I thought I would share.
H: Humor "Forget about your cancer & laugh"
O: Options "Choose to spend your time doing whatever feeds your soul"
P: Protection "Protect yourself from toxic people & seek out hopeful ones"
E: Empathy "Try to empathize with and forgive those that say the wrong thing and hurt your
feelings"

Here's another kind of cool prayer I found on beliefnet.com, it was posted with this picture, and it's a different way to look at receiving chemo & I SO wish I would have found it sooner. Maybe then I wouldn't have resented the awful drugs that made me so sick & have so many side effects. I often refer to it as poison, which it is, but maybe now I'll see it as healing droplets that will HOPEfully save my life!
"Blessed are you, compassionate one, for giving me these droplets of Taxol (current chemo drug). Like refreshing dew and healing rain, may they save my life."
- Diann L. Neu

Again, I took you to church, right? I didn't intend for that to happen, but I thought I should expound upon my word choice for 2010, and it ended up being long-winded! I tend to do that (as if you didn't already know) :-)

Hope your word for 2010, or New Year's Resolutions, or whatever you've chosen to do is working out beautifully!

Bald is...

I have many feelings about not having any hair. MANY feelings, most of which you already know so I won't bore you. The main thing I feel lately about the hair loss is cold. Not emotionally, physically. It's freakin' cold when you're bald!!!
As I type this, I'm sitting at my computer wearing pajama pants, socks, a sweatshirt, 2 skull caps and a scarf...yes, a scarf, inside my house. The heat is on, but I cannot get warm to save my life and it's been this way for weeks! I have come to the realization that hair is built in insulation for your body. No, I didn't know that before, did you? It's not only warm on your head, but keeps the neck warm, too. Well, I guess if your hair didn't touch your neck before you wouldn't miss that, but I sure do! I've always been cold natured, but this is ridiculous! Yet another confirmation that I'm an old lady trapped in a young person's body.

It makes me want to punch my tenants in the face scream at the tenants that call me whining about it being cold downstairs in their house and warm upstairs. I go to check it out for them and they come to the door wearing only a nightgown (which happened twice at the same house) and the tv was on with no blanket in sight so she was just hanging out like that, twice. Must not be too cold! Then I went into another house so I could check their downstairs vents after getting the same complaint. I immediately broke a sweat when I hit the door from the hotness inside the house (downstairs). Then I notice that their baby was laying on the couch wearing only a diaper. Again, why did you call me?

Thank you God for my job. I am thankful that I get a paycheck so I can pay the utilities at my house and have heat, or I could buy more clothes if I can't deal with my body temperature.
Thank you God for common sense. For some reason you saw fit to bless me with it, and I am forever grateful. Amen.

I'm just sayin' ...God understands ;-)

Things I've learned along the cancer road...

Let me begin this post by saying that it's long...L-O-N-G! I wanted to get it out though, mostly for my own documentation and reflection. I'm just going to let you all in on a little piece of my thoughts lately, so enter at your own risk. Kidding, it's not bad at all just a few things that I think I need to remember in the future.

I guess I've been in reflection mode a lot lately. Maybe it's because of the New Year and thinking of what I want 2010 to be for my family, or setting goals and making wish lists of things I want to do in the near future. I don't know, but I guess if anything else I can say that having cancer is a path I didn't see myself going down. Well, at least not this soon in my life, but it is what it is so I'm trying to see (and hear) the lessons God has for me in it.
First, I'm learning that I can't do it all by myself. I always tried to "fix" anything that came up in my life whether it was personal or job related. "I got this" was a regular phrase for me, and I'm trying to take a step back and accept help or ask for it if necessary. I'm sure most people do that, whether it's because we all think if we don't do something, it won't be done right, but really it'll be ok even if it's not perfect.

That reminds me of another lesson...let it go! There are so many things in life that I'm slowly learning are just not that big of a deal, so I've got to stop stressing over them. If my child doesn't want to sit on Santa's lap, who cares? If I can't finish the laundry when I had planned to, does it really matter? It will still be there tomorrow when I have more time.

Another thing is to slow down and recognize the beauty in regular things. There is so much beauty in everyday things we just don't see until we slow down and look for it. I am starting to realize that when life is crazy and you're always in 5th gear, you miss a lot of the joy and beauty in life.

Some things, and some people will just never change. I've got to stop trying to make them and getting angry over it. If you can't change it and can't accept it the way it is...move along! I have spent so much of my time (that I'll never get back) frustrated or even angry over things and people that I cannot, no matter how much I would like to, change. Why would I waste my time like that? Whether it's job or personal related I'm just going to move on in 2010. I mean seriously, I've got enough going on than to be worried about other people!

Of course, what anyone would take from an experience like this is that life is short! Enjoy it and make lasting memories everyday. Take lots of pictures and videos because it's what people will have once you're gone, only memories. Go on trips when you can & leave work at work. Speaking of that, a beach trip is highly in order for me in the near future! The sound of waves crashing is incredibly healing for my soul, and I could use a touch of that!

The main thing I've realized through my unexpected journey is that family is SO important. Not that I didn't know that before, but I guess when you're faced with potential death it really does put life into perspective. I need to hold tight to my wonderful husband who loves me in sickness and in health, which is being tested thoroughly now (and he passes with flying colors :) and my precious baby girl, who loves me even when I can't be fun and don't feel good, and prays for me every night. They're what truly matters, and I should tell them so EVERY DAY. The little one will only be 4 for a short moment, and I have to make memories with her that will last a lifetime. I pray that we will have the blessing of being able to have another child, but that may not be an option for us, so I have to make the most of each day I have with my little family! She'll be a teenager before we turn around (yikes!).

For those 2-3 weeks when I truly didn't know if my life was in jeopardy, all I wanted was for someone to tell me I was not going to die. Everyone around me; doctors, friends & family were all trying so desperately to say the right thing but no one could honestly tell me the one thing I needed to hear..."You're not going to lose your life over this!" So what I decided to take from that was to hold onto my family and friends that I know will be there no.matter.what and don't let go of them! We are truly blessed to have an amazing family on both sides and we try not to take that for granted. My mom and mother-in-law especially have done and seen things (that are a bit more than I'm willing to share) through my surgery, recovery & chemo that I will never forget, and will be eternally grateful for their help!

We also have lots of friends that we can rely on to be there for us when we need anything, or to just come hang out when life gets to be too much, and I am thankful for them everyday as well!

You know your friends are for life when they'll take you to Target just to get you out of the house and help you disguise your drain bags from surgery so people don't get sick and run away from you! They're also not embarrassed to go places with you when your wig looks crazy and you don't have any eyelashes and feel like a major freak, but they don't say a word because they love you anyway! They also go to the Japanese steakhouse with you and don't make fun when you have to run away from the table quickly when the fire is ignited in case your hair melts :) Good times!

Something else I've learned is to thank God for your blessings everyday. There are a million things to be thankful for, way too many to be named, so take time each day to say thank you to the one who gave you life. Even when skies are cloudy and the future is dark, God has you in the palm of His hand, and he will NEVER put you down! Even when we feel abandoned, He's right beside us. I haven't spent nearly as much time as I should on my knees thanking God for His blessings through my breast cancer. I think it's normal to go through a few "why me, why now" phases (as long as they're infrequent and short), but the truth is I will never know why this happened to me, nor why it's happening now, but I have to be thankful that I'm alive and my future looks pretty good. Things could always be worse!

I worry (and probably will for the rest of my life) that cancer will come back, maybe in another place that's not as easily found or seen through bloodwork or a PET scan, but I have to put that fear and worry in God's hands and know that He saved me once, He can certainly do it again!

"So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you." Isaiah 41:10

If nothing else, I am incredibly thankful that this experience has taught me some lessons at all. Since no one can know the number of our days, I think it's good to stop and evaluate life a little and the things that really matter...you never know how long you'll have it.

Sorry if this was a little depressing! I am also not trying to be preach-y at all. I am certainly not in the spiritual position to preach at anyone, these are just some recent reflections on my own life.

Cookies Galore!

One of our favorite Christmas traditions is to bake sugar cookies and go crazy decorating them with my mom (Gammy).

The little one looks forward to this all year long, and is a great little helper when it comes to baking! My mom came to our house this year since I was on my 4 day stay in the house so you don't get sick shut-in/torture. We did, however, do l-0-t-s of baking during that time!

So the mixing begins...

Can't forget to lick the beaters, that's the best part! Then the rolling/cutting out shapesThey cook and then her favorite part, decorating! Lots and lots and lots of icing, sprinkles and some love :)

Every good baker licks the stray icing off their fingers, right? Don't worry, hers were VERY easy to spot, so we cautioned people of the extra "love" that was probably included in those ;)

Showing off the finished product!

The little one had SO much fun, and actually said "I've been waiting my whole life for this!" and "This is the BEST day, Gammy!"

That sounds so sheltered, but so very sweet...I promise, we really do take her out & do fun things, but the truth is she would rather stay home and make a craft or do some heavily involved baking than going pretty much anywhere.

Christmas, 2009 (Finally, right?!)

This past Christmas was really nice for our family. Christmas Eve was spent with my parents. We all went to church, then to their house for a wonderful meal and of course, gifts. The Cabbage Patch "Pop n' Style" doll was the big hit there, she was SO excited to get her!

We had a great evening, and read "The Night Before Christmas" then headed home to get ready for Santa the next morning. We put out milk and cookies for him, but it had to be chocolate milk because someone told her you get better presents with choc. milk.

The next morning, she was SO excited to see that he came (and brought way too many gifts with him) and then we opened our gifts from each other.

The gift craziness was followed by cinnamon rolls and then we had to get ready to leave and visit the in-laws in Tennessee for Christmas with them. It was hard for the little one to leave her new toys (especially the make-up/hair table and ALL the accessories!) but she picked a few favorites and we loaded up in the car. When we got there that afternoon, we visited for a while and read the Christmas Story with a twist that my Father-in-Law scripted to keep even a 4 year old interested. It was really neat, and it definitely kept her attention. We opened gifts with them, and of course the little one had to help everyone open when she was done tearing into hers. She got an art easel which she loves and a Barbie radio/cd player that I believe was her fave gift of all! She takes it from room to room in the house, and it also goes to the babysitters with her every day. The Chipmunks new movie soundtrack and the Miley Cyrus CD's are on constantly around here with "shows" being performed regularly! Her uncle also got her tickets to see "Annie" in a couple of weeks at the Fox, and she is getting really excited about that! She will l.o.v.e. it!!!

The next morning, my mother-in-law had more family over for a Christmas Brunch and we ate SO much wonderful food! Then we had a white elephant gift exchange and played a game. It was a really fun family day!

(Where I didn't take nearly enough pictures & I'm SO mad at myself for that...part of it had to do with the numerous costume changes, I have to remember to take pics that include my child immediately after I dress her and fix her hair. 5 minutes later is too late, she will inevitably have changed her clothes and messed up the hair by then!) I did get a couple of her with some of her favorite people who she wants to be just like when she grows up...thankfully they're great role models & so incredibly sweet! :)

I am so thankful for both sides of our family, and getting to spend time with almost everyone this year. We had a wonderful Christmas :)

Another Chemo Down!

SO...I have lots I need to post about, and most of it requires pictures, which I'm too tired to put on here, so I'll tell you about my most recent Chemo.

Treatment #5 was a drug I had never had before, and wasn't sure what to expect. Taxol usually isn't as nausea inducing, so I was excited about that prospect. Last Monday was the day, and that afternoon/evening I felt pretty good. I took a long nap because the lady sitting beside me getting her chemo snored like a freight train for 1 solid hour so I couldn't sleep there despite the Benadryl cocktail put into my port. Oh, and my recliner was angled so it wouldn't go back either and the nurse wouldn't stop bringing in trays of "hospital foood" that makes me nauseous and gag (seriously) the whole stinkin' time I was there. It was awful!!! Sorry, tangent. Anyway, when I woke up Monday evening I felt good enough to eat, and even talked to my family for a while (unheard of for a chemo day!). Then on Tuesday I felt pretty good, but was extremely weak. I was able to eat, but sitting or lying down was a must for most of the day. Tuesday evening I had to give myself the Neupagen shot. That's when it all went downhill...

I am aware the shots always cause flu-like symptoms and make me feel absolutely horrible throughout the night, but it usually goes away mid-morning the next day. On Wednesday I was waiting for the bone/muscle aches to go away and they just wouldn't! Then I called my Mom (like all sick pitiful people do, right?) and she looked up Taxol and the side effects. Oh, great severe joint pain is a side effect. Well, another Neupagen shot on Wed. night and mild dehydration, severe joint pain and overall lethargy was the order of the day for Thursday as well. Happy New Year to me! I spent New Year's Eve by myself, on the couch watching an all day, all night marathon of "The First 48" and I swear I saw every episode. Well, between naps ;)

So, Friday came (New Year's Day) and I was determined to leave the house as early as possible, pain or not. I had not even gone outside the walls of my house for 4 days and hadn't driven for 8 days...I was beyond stir crazy!

My in-laws had kept the little one in Tennessee from the weekend before when we visited, and brought her back on the 31st. She had SO much fun with the family, and I am so thankful they did it because I couldn't have been much of a Mother in my condition!

I'm feeling much better now, hoping for 2 full weeks of feeling normal before another round. I can't decide if being nauseous for 2 days is worse than the way I felt or not. I guess poision in your body in one form or another is going to have negative effects. Gotta take the good with the bad!

Saturday was my Mom's birthday and we were out doing a little shopping. She fell in the parking lot of a store we were coming out of and I knew immediately she was hurt pretty bad. I tried to help her up, but she kept saying "I can't yet". So a couple minutes later she got up and then almost passed out on the way to the car. Me and the little one are totally freaking out, me because I didn't know what to do, and the little one because she fell with her, and had a scrape (very minor) on her hand that had a drop of blood escape. Trauma ensued for her! Anyway, long story a little shorter, we went to the Urgent Care for 3 1/2 hours and she found out her shoulder is fractured in 3 places and her knee is also broken. Happy Birthday, Mom! I SO hate that she's hurting and will be out of commission for a while, I know it's going to be hard for her to let me and other people help her for a change.

Hope YOUR 2010 is going great, and health and wellness abound :)