Emotional Wreck

I tried to tell myself I knew this would happen and it's no big deal, but it is...it IS! When you're a girl and you lose your hair, it's devastating.
I can't explain the emotions, they just are. No matter how many people tell you "you're beautiful with or without hair" and "It'll come back, just own it" and all kinds of other wonderfully sweet, supportive things, it's something that can't be put into words. Well, not for me anyway. I have been so ill all day today, and just really emotional and sad. I really think it's because I have lost 90% of my hair in 5 days. I have started wearing a wig, but I feel like everyone is staring at me and can just tell it's not my real hair. The wigs are itchy, and my scalp is tender...hopefully these things won't be so bad once the rest of my hair is gone, but it's just not comfortable. I spend all the time I'm away from home counting the minutes until I can be back home and put a scarf or something on my head & get the stupid wig off! Then when I put a scarf on I feel like a big cancer billboard. Don't walk by a mirror because there's cancer, staring you in the face. All the time. It's been the hardest part of the whole thing for me so far. Not the most physically painful, or the most scary, but more emotionally taxing, that's for sure. I wish I could describe it better, but it just sucks...big time. The End.

Minor Setbacks

So, my chemo round 2 was scheduled for Monday. Note the word WAS...It didn't happen. My sweet hubby took me, and they drew blood before beginning the meds. About an hour and a half later, I was getting impatient thinking I would be there all day if they didn't start soon. Turns out my white blood cell count was really low, and they were trying to get in touch with my Oncologist to see what she wanted to do. Normal white blood cell range is 6-11, and mine was 4. It's not too far off, but they were concerned that it would drop more after the treatment, and I would possibly get really sick. So, I ended up getting a shot of Neupagen (the drug I got after chemo last time that stimulates bone marrow to produce more wbc's) and got another one this afternoon. They make you feel like you have the flu, and make every bone in your body hurt to some degree. It's tolerable, but very uncomfortable and makes you tired from all the work that's going on inside your body. Tomorrow (Wednesday) they'll draw blood again and hopefully the shots will have brought it up enough to where I don't have to have another one, and the wbc count will stay up until next Monday, when they'll try chemo again. I am just praying these shots do their job, and my body cooperates so I don't have to end up getting a blood transfusion or being admitted to the hospital or something very undesirable.

I also started losing my hair yesterday. I guess I jinxed myself by putting in my last post that it was still hanging on, and it decided to let go the next morning. Nice! I have an appointment to get it cut really short this week & I think that will help me to not be so freaked out by it. I think the length is what's just putting me over the edge. So...this is way personal, but here's a picture of the hair that came out while running my fingers through my hair for about 15 minutes tonight. WOW!!!!! I know I shouldn't do that & I'm making it worse, but it's like a train wreck, I want to stop looking, but I just can't.

Yes, I realize this is a little gross & freaky. Sorry if I offended you (well kinda sorry, I don't really care ;)

On a fun note, I was trying to be proactive and prepare for feeling bad this week and carved our pumpkin on Sunday night. She was given this little princess pumpkin carving kit by a friend, and insisted that we use it. She had fun helping me clean it out, and loves the end result. It's interesting, and very different I will say :) We are also enjoying the roasted pumpkin seeds, it's one of our favorite fall treats!

Getting Started

She was NOT a fan of the "guts"!

Again, EW!!!

The Pumpkin Bling Princess :)

The finished product!

Unwelcome Change of Plan

I had an appointment with my Oncologist this past week to be checked out between chemo treatments. Everything went well, she was asking and answering questions, and then I asked something about the last few treatments, which drug would be used, since I remembered the nurse telling me that I would get a different drug for the last couple of treatments. She tells me that I'll have 4 of the one I had last week, and 4 Taxol. Me: "Uhm, that's 8. I thought I was having 6 treatments." Doctor: "Oh, that's when we were going to do them 3 weeks apart. Since we decided to get it over with quickly & do them 14 days apart instead of 21 days, you'll have to get 8."
Ugh!!! I know it only adds a month, and in the grand scheme of my life, what's the big deal, right? I just felt like I was punched in the stomach though. I had been saying to myself that I only had 5 left, and now I have to say 7...That certainly sounds like a lot more in my head! I was also looking forward to being done the week of Christmas, and having that to celebrate. Oh well, guess I'll have to put the celebratory trip off till February or March.

I did have a bright spot this week though, I had my final "fill-up" on Monday! I have said it was my last one before, but this time it's for real, my foot is down! No more painful fills for me, I'm done.with.that! I am only hoping now that I can have the final reconstructive surgery scheduled soon after chemo is over. I need this to be behind me. I realized the other day it's only been a little over 2 months since I was diagnosed & I've already had surgery, reconstruction is 1/2 way over, and chemo is in progress. That's a LOT in 2 months, and I am thankful all my doctors have been pro-active and understood my need to be done. The reconstructive surgeon tortured me and put me through so much pain it's not even funny, but I guess in the long run it's ok because I don't have to do those torture fill-ups anymore, and I just have to deal with where I'm at now until chemo is over. I won't share details, that would just be wierd, but it's painful and un-fun everyday. At least I "look" normal in clothes though, I actually fill my clothes out WAY more than I ever did before, and that makes me pretty uncomfortable too. I guess I'll have to get used to that part though ;)

Monday is Chemo #2. Thankfully, my hair is still hanging on, and I haven't had a lot of unwelcome side effects since the nausea and sickness stopped. I realize those other nasty side effects are probably all rapidly coming, but I'm thankful for the "normal" days I've had lately.

Fall Family Fun

Thanks to my wonderful in-laws, I had 3 days without the little one to recouperate from Chemo and feel like a human again, and it was very healing. When my Hubby brought her home on Sunday, I was feeling much better and met her at the door. She was so glad to see me off the couch for the first time in a week, and showed me so much precious attention all day. We decided (me very reluctantly) to brave the cold, and go to the Pumpkin Patch at a local farm with some friends that afternoon and we had such a fun day! Here are LOTS of pics from our afternoon at Southern Belle Farm.

Some of her friends we went with...SO cute!

About to go through the corn maze!



























(Sorry the pics are all over the place, I couldn't figure out how to place them differently after they loaded.)

I'm so glad I was talked into going, it turned out to be a great day, and she was SO excited about her "little pumpkins" she picked out. She could care less about the big one, go figure! Hope you're having some Fall fun of your own, stay warm!!!

Round 1 Chemo: Done!

This past Monday, October 12, was my first Chemotherapy session. I was a nervous wreck going into it, and hated not knowing what to expect, but knowing whatever happened, it wouldn't be pretty. Well, the nurses in the suite know it's not the best day when you have to go there, so they try very hard to keep the mood lighthearted, and helped to make me feel at ease.
I was there for about 4 hours, and got 4 different drugs throughout the time there. There were 2 "big" chemo drugs, Adriamycin & Cytoxan. Those are the ones that cause hair loss, nausea, vomiting, all the great stuff you hear about when people go through chemo. True to form, they made me feel pretty bad for 3 days solid. Monday - Wednesday consisted of laying around trying to figure out what (if anything) I could eat, and fighting nausea and vomiting (which only actually happened 3 times, thankfully). On Thursday I woke up feeling like I was recovering from a nasty stomach virus. Not actually sick, but sensitive to the smell/sight of food, and cautious of what I ate or thought about eating. Tuesday & Wednesday I also had to go back to the hospital for a shot to cause my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. They are very cautious to ensure chemo patients have enough white blood cells to fight off infection during chemo. Wednesday I also had to go to the hospital to have blood drawn to check the levels, and make sure the shots were doing their job. I could've probably told them that they were working since they made me feel achy all over like I had the flu, and made every bone in my body sensitive to touch (including my face, which was very strange). The shots worked, thankfully & my White blood cell count was something like 20x normal range, and that's good, since it will probably continue to go down until I go back in 2 weeks.

This morning (Friday) I woke up feeling almost normal. I actually have an appetite, and don't feel fuzzy headed or overly tired! Hopefully this feeling will stay, and I'll have at least a full good week before I have to go back for another round of torture.


I go back on the 26th, and I am praying it works out about the same, 3 "down" days followed by an upswing. 1 DOWN, 5 TO GO! I can do this...I don't want to, but I can do it. If nothing else, I think this cancer journey has shown me that I'm a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. I don't think I should win an award or anything, but I guess the saying is true "A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I really want to thank everyone that has been praying for and thinking about me this week. I appreciate your thoughts & prayers SO MUCH, and know they have helped me to bounce back relatively quickly! I am so thankful for my wonderful husband, who has been acting as a single Dad this week and not complaining one little bit. He has been so helpful to me through this! Also, my parents have helped me by bringing "bland" groceries that I could eat this week, even before I had a chance to think about it, and my Dad has been my chauffeur for several days when I couldn't do it by myself. My in-laws have been very helpful, too and took the little one for a few days to have some fun time being a spoiled niece and granddaughter. She will have SO much fun!

On a sweeter note, the Birthday party for my big 4 year old went really well last weekend! She had so much fun, and I think all her friends did, too! She got so many fun presents, and it's been a wonderful distraction for her to play with some new things while Mommy is sick, and hasn't felt like getting up much this week. Thank you to everyone who came to the party, we had such a nice day!

My baby is growing up

This week has been a tough one for this Mommy...or should I say Mama, as my child has sadly started calling me. She turned the big 4 years old this week, and I am having a hard time processing. I cannot believe that it's been 4 whole years since my awful pregnancy that I thought would never end finally ended, and my beautiful b-i-g baby girl entered the world! She has brought so much joy and laughter into our lives, and has changed our lives in ways we never could've imagined before she was born, and we are forever thankful to our heavenly father for entrusting her to our care! She's the highlight of both our lives, and although she's more than a handful at times, I wouldn't change her sweet, loving, funny, smart, stubborn personality at all. She has been cracking us up all week saying "I'm already 4 years old!" and "Can you believe I'm 4?" and "You didn't sing Happy Birthday to me yet!" (even though she's been sung to 10 times) it's so funny! I love how excited she is, and I know she will love every second of her birthday party on Sunday!!!
I put off starting Chemotherapy until Monday because I didn't want to take the risk of being sick or not feeling well during her Birthday Party. I am so nervous about Chemo. Not so much the actual sitting there on Monday, but about the after effects, and what that will be like. I'm hoping and praying it doesn't make me sick or nauseous, that would just be miserable. I need to keep working too. Well, first of all get a paycheck, but also to keep my mind off things, so hopefully it won't affect that too much. My husband's wonderful aunt and uncle brought over a recliner this evening, along with dinner from O'Charley's (yum) that I can sleep in since I've STILL been sleeping on the couch (Lord help me). I feel like I'm going to put a permanent dent in the couch, and it's just not very comfortable anymore, since I've been there for 6 weeks now...I know how bad it is, don't judge :) Anyway, hopefully I'll be getting a little better sleep now, and not feeling like my chest will explode at any minute from the pressure of laying down. Sorry about all the details, just thought you should know the real truth, you know, a day in the life kind of thing. Scratch that, a day in the life would be a bad day, you would hate that, trust me!

Breast Cancer Awareness Videos

With October being Breast Cancer Awareness month, I'm sure pink ribbons, videos, tv segments, etc. will be everywhere and here are a couple of great video clips I saw this morning dealing with Breast Cancer...To hear the video without my music playing in the background, scroll all the way to the bottom of the page & press the pause button on the music player (pink box at the bottom of the page). Enjoy!

This video is great regarding Hoda Kotb (from the Today Show on NBC) and her Breast Cancer Journey. I had no idea she had breast cancer recently, and I was really touched by the video diary she posted. The last part is a good informational session with a breast cancer researcher, Dr. Susan Love, about early detection, facts, etc. I really enjoyed it & thought you might, too.

My favorite part of this is at the end of Hoda's diary part when she says
"Cancer gave me the gift of being fearless...What I get from this whole horrible ordeal is You.Can't.Scare.Me!"

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This is another video from the Today show's website. It's more of an inspiration to women who have been diagnosed with it, and how some other women coped with the diagnosis. I know of several women going through it right now that read my blog and a couple of survivors that this may touch as much as it did me...enjoy :)
By the way, the group they're talking about on the video is the "Army of Women" at http://www.armyofwomen.org/ and it was started by Dr. Susan Love who is trying to find a cure for Breast Cancer. You sign up for the group, and they send out e-mails asking for participants in experiments/research etc. It's for women with or without cancer, from all walks of life, coming together to find a cure! I realize you probably won't be interested if you aren't going through it, or aren't close to someone who has (I'll admit I probably wouldn't do it before my diagnosis) but now I realize that it means the world to me that a cure to this horrible disease be found before my daughter and future grandchildren have to face this.

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The quote I'm totally stealing from this video is when the lady says
"For whatever reason, God chose me to carry this so I have to carry it with as much dignity and grace as I possibly can" Amen~That's exactly how I feel, she just put words to it! I'll never know why I'm dealing with this, but as a great friend of mine told me when I was first diagnosed "God is not surprised, and He has a plan" He probably didn't give this a lot of thought at the time, but it has really ministered to me, and I've spoken those words to myself over and over in my head when I'm having a meltdown. Thanks Phil :)