Same old, same old

I know I haven't updated in a little while, so here goes. I had the quick surgery to have the port put in on Friday & thankfully that was pretty uneventful. I've been a little sore in the collarbone area since then, but it seems to be getting a little better each day. It sounds so crazy, but every other day seems to be a good day for me. One day I feel almost normal, don't have to take much (if any) pain medication, feel like driving (short distances, get off my back), stay awake past 10:00, and feel like socializing with other people. The very next day, without fail, I am SO tired, unfriendly, and in lots more pain. It's really strange.
I had my first root canal yesterday (which funny enough was on one of my good days) and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had mentally prepared myself for. I've been going to my dentist forever (although not as regularly as I should have since I've been without dental insurance for 3 years now), and he's always so great and understanding. I think he was being extra gentle with me because I'm now "cancer girl" but I'm fine with that extra gentleness when it comes to dental work. I still have to go back for another appointment (which will no doubt be a wonderful day), for 2 more fillings and he's going to pull a baby tooth I still have (yeah, I'm a freak who's 29 with a baby tooth still). He was going to let it stay in as long as it would, but if it breaks or something during chemo it would be really bad to have to pull a tooth during that time.
Chemo officially starts on Oct. 12th & I'm a wreck thinking about it. I know it will be ok, and like the saying goes: "When you're going through hell...keep on going", so that's what I plan to do. I'll just keep going and it'll all be over soon enough.
It's really starting to emotionally get to me that I can't pick up my child, I will admit. I was watching a tv show last night and a mother picked up her child who was about 3 and I just started crying...What if she's too big to hold by the time I'm strong enough to hold her again, how sad will that be?! She can only sit in my lap if she can climb up herself and the whole time my hands are on her back pressing up just in case she bumps me in the wrong place. It's so depressing to me! Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I don't have a younger child that wouldn't understand the concept of a "boo boo" and that I would have to be so much more hands on for, but it's hard as a Mommy to be limited in the physical love you can give your "baby", no matter how old your baby is.
That's it for now, no more sob stories from me today :)

Cancer Update #6873221

That's what it feels like to me, anyway. I feel like I'm constantly just updating on appointments & how my days go, but I guess that's what blogs are for. So, I went to Dr. Larsen for my "fill-up" yesterday, and while I was laying on the table he kept looking at me waiting for a response. Of course, I felt pressure, and after the third full syringe I finally winced. He asks me if it hurt, and I said "well of course, I'm actually waiting for it to pop"! He fills me up so full that it begins to hurt through my side while I'm in the office and agreed to give me a prescription for pain thank you Jesus, otherwise I feel sure I wouldn't have made it through the night. I asked him before he started if the reason they were so hard and full feeling was because I was so small to begin with. He said no, it was just because all the tissue was removed. I am not sure I believe it though, because I was in SO MUCH PAIN soon after I left his office I was crying (and I never cry from physical pain) and panting like I was in labor. It hurt to take deep breaths, and still does, so I'm breathing fairly shallow (which causes pneumonia...wouldn't that be just exactly what I need?) and trying not to laugh. Oh, and sneeze. I sneezed once last week and had to hold my chest for several minutes because I thought they were coming out...literally. I know that's not pretty! It's also not pretty to see me refuse to sneeze by holding my eyes open for dear life knowing if I don't close them I won't sneeze. I'm praying this never happens in public!
I'm seriously considering letting this be my last "fill-up". I have no idea what size I would be considered now, and the implants will have to be a little smaller than the expanders are. I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and I'm going to talk to him about being done at that time. I can't deal with pain like this again. My chest hurt so bad last night that my back started absorbing the pain, and today my rib cage has been aching all day. I think that's my body telling me that's all the stretching it can do!
My chemo is scheduled to start on Monday, October 12. I have several dental procedures to have done before that, but as long as that's not an issue, I'll start that day. I have such mixed emotions about it. I really just want this all to be over with, so I want it to hurry up, but I am so afraid of what it may do to me. Will I get sick? Will I be nauseous all the time? Will food taste bad? How long will it take me to lose my hair? What will I feel like in general? It's flu season, what if I get sick or someone in my family gets sick? Can you tell I'm a worry wart?! Anyway, that's my update. Gotta go take a pill!
Oh, the port will be put in this Friday, please pray for me with that procedure as well. I'm worried about adding pain to yet another area. I'm not sure how much this body can take all at the same time!

Better Days

I just thought maybe I should do a positive post, since I've been a little down lately. I had 2 or 3 good days this week! Wow!!! I have actually had 2 days where I found myself stopping and asking myself "Wait, do I feel any pain right now, NO!" I have a long way to go, and I go back Monday for another fill up, (that should throw not feeling any pain right out the window for a while) but I'm thankful for the little pain-free moments that I have. I've also been sleeping better at night, which is a big plus. Still on the couch, thankfully we got a new one fairly recently or I'd be doing a number on our old one's cushions sleeping in the same place for 3+ weeks!

I get a port put in for Chemo next Friday...did I already tell you that? If so, nevermind me. Hopefully I'll be able to start Chemo very soon after that...Might as well get it over with. I had a minor setback this week when I found out that my Oncologist is considered "out of network" and I'll have to pay a LOT more than I was prepared to out of pocket for my office visits there. I was SO worried about it, but God is good, and we found out that our insurance is changing in January or February, and we'll have much better coverage, and the Hubby's job REALLY blessed us with a lump sum check to help us pay our medical bills!!! We have been richly blessed so far, and as I was reminded yesterday while going through insurance EOB's, Dr. bills, etc. being all down and out, my husband says "We've been blessed so far, even through all this, what makes you think it won't continue?" He's right, even though this has been the hardest few weeks of our lives, we've seen God's hand through the gray skies, and know the sun will be shining soon!

I also wanted to thank everyone who's put encouraging notes/comments on my posts. I read them all, usually teary eyed, and it makes me feel wonderful to know that I have people who actually read my ramblings and pray for my family.

I read a book called "Aunt Lucy has Cancer" to the Little One this week, and she took it really well. It's written on a kids level, and explains Chemo treatments, losing hair & getting a wig, feeling sick, and then getting better. She asked a lot of questions, but at the end she is (much like her Mommy) mostly just concerned that I'll lose my hair. For the most part she understands, and I think she grasped the fact that the "Boo Boo" I have (surgery) got all the bad stuff out, but the medicine will make sure it doesn't come back. I'm sure it will be hard on all of us, but we've gotten through so far, and I know we'll continue to be strong.

Ever the little dancer, the little one has had a blast this week "doing shows" for us, and dancing her heart out in her many dress-up dresses. Here's a few pics of the shows, in case you can't see them in person. It's a mess!

Oh, and this is the card she made me last night. She was watching T.V. while I was on the computer and she comes running into the office saying "Mommy, look, I made you this Get Well Card!" all by herself, she thought to color this sweet card for me! How precious is this?!

Oncologist Appt #2

I had my second visit with the Oncologist today, and don't really have any ground breaking news other than the fact that she is such a wonderful blessing. Her name is Dr. Sarmiento, and I can't even tell you how sweet and caring she is. After the appointment today she held hands with us and prayed a precious, healing prayer and hugged me (very gently) before I left. I feel so blessed to have been led to her!

She seems to also think that I'm healing extremely well, and that everything looks great. I guess that's good since you really have nothing to compare yourself to when you've had a double mastectomy and have the beginning of reconstruction (new boobs...sorry mom) going on. I mean, it's not like people just post pics of themselves or offer to show you what they've got going on under their clothes during those times, so you just hope everything is as it should be.

I will be having a port put in for the Chemo to begin in the next couple of weeks.

She said what she likes to tell patients is that a Cancer diagnosis and treatment will usually be a year long process. Sometimes it's harder than others, but to look at it as a year long investment in the rest of my life. I pray I have a long, full life after this battle is through, so I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Oh, she also told me that it was Stage 2 for those that have asked. It probably would've been considered Stage 1 due to the relatively small size of the tumor itself, but because it was Grade 3 (faster growing, uglier cells) and had spread to several Lymph nodes, it's considered Stage 2.

On a lighter note, I can't remember if I ever posted about our family trip to Build-a-Bear the weekend before the big "C" diagnosis, and I'm so glad we had some light hearted family time.

Anyway, my little princess picked the girliest bear, and went with the intention of putting her in a cheerleader outfit, but when we got there decided she should definitely be a bride! Her name is "Sparkle" and she has a wedding dress, garter, veil, bouquet and silver shoes. Ridiculous fancy! Here's a picture because I'm tired of only updating about Cancer, and you're probably tired of reading about it and not ever seeing any pics :)

Reminder

Just when I was having a down and out, "why is this happening to me?" kinda evening, I decided to catch up on some other blogs, and found this post Big God Shared via AddThis (I know I didn't do that right, I can't figure out how to do all that technical, add another link to your blog thing yet) from "Farmgirl Paints", an awesome blogger that I faithfully follow. It always seems that God knows just how to minister to you, even in the smallest ways.
This God, the God she describes in her amazing post, has me in the palm of his hand, just as he always has.
This is just a season for me, and there will be better, happier, more wonderful, amazing days ahead for me and my family...I just gotta get there! I'm going to "Fight Like a Girl" all the way through this, and WILL be okay, good days, bad days, whatever comes...I'm a fighter :)

Just a quick vent

I just wanted to vent, because blogger is my therapy, and I'm sure that my family is tired of hearing it, but I just wanted to say that I'm tired...
I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of being uncomfortable and not being able to lay in my own bed.
I'm tired of not being able to drive.
I'm tired of not being able to hug or hold my child.
I'm tired of not being able to run and play hide and seek just because she wants to.
I'm tired of wincing every time my husband goes to hug me because I'm afraid he'll hurt me.
I'm tired of not being able to do my job like I need to. I know they are ok with it, but I'm not ok with it.
Most of all I'm tired of hurting. Some days I'm ok, and some days I just hurt all over.
This is stupid, and I know it's normal to have good days and bad. I also know that millions of people have it worse than me, and I need to suck it up, sometimes I just don't want to though, and I just wanted to put my bad day out there.
I'll be all better tomorrow, after I have a little dinner, sit in my forever spot on the couch and stay there throughout the night attempting to sleep sitting up because it hurts so freakin' bad to lay down. Yeah, tomorrow will be fine.
Sorry for the downer, just needed a little written therapy.

Love it...

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit.

Rough Day

This week has been good on most accounts...I had an appointment with the breast surgeon on Tuesday and he says everything looks great & I don't need to go back to him for 4 months. Great news! On Wednesday I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon & he took the 2 remaining drains out, which was a huge relief, then he filled up my expanders with 120 cc each...I don't know exactly how much that equates to, let me just tell you it's very noticeable, and very very very tight and sometimes painful. They honestly feel like boulders in my chest cavity. No softness, no movement, just tight, expanding boulders...tmi? Well, you can always expect a little of that from me, right?
I was obviously in some pain yesterday from the visit, and after my wonderfully helpful mother-in-law carted me around to my appointments and on my job errands, I went home and got some much needed rest. I woke up this morning in extreme pain. I thought it was just the tissue expanders, and went back to sleep on the couch (my new home) after my mother-in-law left to go back to Tennessee. Long story short, my Dad, thankfully still ok with doing my job until I can, came by and got my "to do list" for the day and took care of some things while I slept the entire day away.
I was not expecting to be in this much pain, and when the hubby got home with the little one I was in agony! My chest hurt, left side where the Dr. removed the drain line was killing me, I had a toothache, headache, and my back hurt from laying on the couch all day. To top it all off, I was given the ok by the Dr. yesterday to finally take a shower today (um, yeah I've been having sponge baths for TWO WEEKS) and I felt too bad to even shower. So, after having a pity party for myself and getting mad about life, I called my Mom to help me!
She & my Dad came over so she could look at the area where my drain was removed and see if there was an obvious reason why it was hurting me, but all she could find was a small piece of knot from one of the stitches. Hopefully that was all it was, and the horrible pain won't come back. I can't take too many more days like this, and I need that shower!!!
Anyway, I know I'll have lots of good days and then a few bad ones here and there, so I'm ok with it, I just hope tomorrow is a little easier!
Some excellent news I don't think I've shared is that the Genetic testing results came back & I'm gene negative for breast cancer!!! Yay for ovaries :) Obviously I'm estatic that I don't have to have my ovaries removed, but most of all I'm so happy for what that means for the little one & maybe any future other child(ren) we'll have!
Also, Dr. Timbert says that since my left arm seems to be taking very well to having the lymph nodes removed I won't have to have Physical Therapy unless I start swelling and/or having issues on that side. I'm SO thankful for that since I'm left-handed and from what I hear I could be having tremendous problems with movement, and especially writing and use of that hand in general. God is good, all the time, and I am SO thankful He's in my corner!!!!!

"Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to us and will help us, for He cannot disown us who are part of Himself, and he will ALWAYS carry out His promises to us" 2 Timothy 2:13

Healing

I am officially one week out from surgery, and seem to be healing pretty well. I will admit the whole ordeal has been much more painful and "involved" than I initially thought, but I guess you can never prepare yourself for a major surgery like that. The outpouring of love, support, prayers, and just overall help I have received has been amazing to me once again, and I am so thankful to all of you that have been involved...even if it's just thinking kindly of me or saying a prayer, I can assure you, it's helping. We have received so many wonderful meals, cards, calls, packages and everything else you can imagine and I am so very thankful. The meals have been wonderful, too everyone...we really appreciate the time, efforts and money you spent on keeping us fed :)
I do not know & can't even fathom, how a person could go through something like this without a wonderful support system. I have been amazed daily by the strength of my mother, husband & father that never fail to help me with anything I need. You really don't think about exactly how completely helpless you will be when you have surgery like this, and my Mom and Husband especially have become very good "nurse maid" helpers to me. They have gone WAY above and beyond!
I am also thankful for a great job that has been completely understanding, and for my awesome Dad, who has been standing in the gap, filling in for some of my roles. Everything is running very smoothly, and if he's not careful, he'll be "Da rent man" before long...they'll forget all about me! I can't say "thank you" enough to the wonderful company I work for, and their kindness! You think that when you're going to be "out of commission" for an extended period that the world will cave in, things will fall apart, etc. and then they just don't..."stop kidding yourself, you're not THAT important" I keep telling myself :)
My very wonderful in-laws have had my precious little one for over a week now, and I am so.forever.grateful to them for that. I love her more than life itself, but she is b-u-s-y every second, and I would've never healed or gotten as much rest with her majesty around! I miss her like crazy though, and am SO excited to see her tomorrow!!!
Other than all my thank-you's I've been doing pretty well. I'm still in a good amount of pain, and am taking several different prescriptions for all that, but I am able to take less and less, and do more for myself each day.
I went to the reconstructive surgeon's office yesterday for my first "fill-up" of the tissue expanders, and that has been a bit painful. At the time it didn't hurt at all, and my husband (who was in the room at the time) told me later "that's the coolest thing I've ever seen...he just put a needle in & filled it up like a balloon!"
Well, I'm not sure if skin can burst from pressure, if it can that is a very real possibility for me in the near future, I'll let you know. Pressure is about all I feel though, that and these crazy muscle spasms behind my ribs that make me double over in pain very frequently lately.
Healing from the incisions is going pretty well I think. There are 4 total incisions, pretty large ones, but only one will be really noticeable once they heal. The thing I'm having to get used to the most is the partial lack of feeling on my left side from the removal of lymph nodes. The doctor was really worried because I'm left-handed, but thankfully so far I haven't had any problems, and can write (and obviously type) with no problems. Still praying that lymphodema (spelling?) doesn't set in that arm where it swells & blood flow is compromised, etc. but so far so good.
Again thank you SO MUCH to everyone who thinks of me and or prays for me...I love you and appreciate you!!!

Oh, and I can't forget to mention my girl Meagan (who cuts my hair) that squeezed me in for an appt. on Thursday and washed my hair (since I couldn't figure out how to do it at home and it had been a week...ew!) and even cut it and styled it for me. Thanks for making a girl feel pretty even during times like these ;)