Healing

I am officially one week out from surgery, and seem to be healing pretty well. I will admit the whole ordeal has been much more painful and "involved" than I initially thought, but I guess you can never prepare yourself for a major surgery like that. The outpouring of love, support, prayers, and just overall help I have received has been amazing to me once again, and I am so thankful to all of you that have been involved...even if it's just thinking kindly of me or saying a prayer, I can assure you, it's helping. We have received so many wonderful meals, cards, calls, packages and everything else you can imagine and I am so very thankful. The meals have been wonderful, too everyone...we really appreciate the time, efforts and money you spent on keeping us fed :)
I do not know & can't even fathom, how a person could go through something like this without a wonderful support system. I have been amazed daily by the strength of my mother, husband & father that never fail to help me with anything I need. You really don't think about exactly how completely helpless you will be when you have surgery like this, and my Mom and Husband especially have become very good "nurse maid" helpers to me. They have gone WAY above and beyond!
I am also thankful for a great job that has been completely understanding, and for my awesome Dad, who has been standing in the gap, filling in for some of my roles. Everything is running very smoothly, and if he's not careful, he'll be "Da rent man" before long...they'll forget all about me! I can't say "thank you" enough to the wonderful company I work for, and their kindness! You think that when you're going to be "out of commission" for an extended period that the world will cave in, things will fall apart, etc. and then they just don't..."stop kidding yourself, you're not THAT important" I keep telling myself :)
My very wonderful in-laws have had my precious little one for over a week now, and I am so.forever.grateful to them for that. I love her more than life itself, but she is b-u-s-y every second, and I would've never healed or gotten as much rest with her majesty around! I miss her like crazy though, and am SO excited to see her tomorrow!!!
Other than all my thank-you's I've been doing pretty well. I'm still in a good amount of pain, and am taking several different prescriptions for all that, but I am able to take less and less, and do more for myself each day.
I went to the reconstructive surgeon's office yesterday for my first "fill-up" of the tissue expanders, and that has been a bit painful. At the time it didn't hurt at all, and my husband (who was in the room at the time) told me later "that's the coolest thing I've ever seen...he just put a needle in & filled it up like a balloon!"
Well, I'm not sure if skin can burst from pressure, if it can that is a very real possibility for me in the near future, I'll let you know. Pressure is about all I feel though, that and these crazy muscle spasms behind my ribs that make me double over in pain very frequently lately.
Healing from the incisions is going pretty well I think. There are 4 total incisions, pretty large ones, but only one will be really noticeable once they heal. The thing I'm having to get used to the most is the partial lack of feeling on my left side from the removal of lymph nodes. The doctor was really worried because I'm left-handed, but thankfully so far I haven't had any problems, and can write (and obviously type) with no problems. Still praying that lymphodema (spelling?) doesn't set in that arm where it swells & blood flow is compromised, etc. but so far so good.
Again thank you SO MUCH to everyone who thinks of me and or prays for me...I love you and appreciate you!!!

Oh, and I can't forget to mention my girl Meagan (who cuts my hair) that squeezed me in for an appt. on Thursday and washed my hair (since I couldn't figure out how to do it at home and it had been a week...ew!) and even cut it and styled it for me. Thanks for making a girl feel pretty even during times like these ;)

Part 1 done!!!!!

Surgery was Thursday as scheduled. It took about 5 1/2 hours!!!!!! Everything went well, except during the sentinel node biopsy there were cancer cells found in a few lymph nodes. Because of that all the lymph nodes on the left side were removed. The lymph nodes on the right side were fine. The surgeon is waiting on the pathology reports on the lymph nodes before deciding the course of treatment. I have been in a lot of pain, but on a positive note I have lots of good drugs keeping me knocked out. So, my husband is typing this for me since I can't even lift my arms right now. It's going to take several weeks to recover from the surgery, but slowly but surely this will all be behind me.

Thanks everyone for the cards, calls, flowers, well wishes, and most of all the prayers (and by the way keep praying). I could not do this alone...

It's official...

Well, I officially have a surgery date. I will have a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expanders (which I'll tell you about in a minute) and a sentinel node biopsy on Thursday afternoon. I have really mixed emotions about this...On one hand I can't wait to have the tumor and hopefully all of the cancer out of me, but on the other hand I'm scared out of my mind.
I had a CAT Scan and a bone scan this morning, which was fairly uneventful except for the fact that it took 4 hours and the dye they made me drink (twice) for the CAT Scan was horrible and turned my stomach inside out. My surgeon insisted I come to his office this evening to see the plastic surgeon who's doing the reconstruction and they could figure out a plan together on how to work the surgery. I met with them both and had my most awkward, is this actually happening to me moment so far with this whole situation. At one point this evening, after being examined, measured, taken pictures of, and marked all over with permanent marker I had the two doctors who would be doing the surgery standing over my half naked self laying on a table while they're feeling around & discussing what they sould do. Me: "Um, hi can I close this gown up now? Thanks, I'm mortified."
So they decide Thursday will be the day, and they will remove both breasts, remove a couple lymph nodes from each side under the arms and immediately test for the presence of cancer cells. If they come back positive, I'll have to have all lymph nodes in the area removed at the same time, and will have more treatment, including probable radiation when I recover...but we're claiming that's not the case!
Anyway, I thought the surgery would be bad enough, then they tell me about these tissue expanders. This was where I almost lost it. Since all breast tissue is removed during surgery, the implant will be put behind the muscle, but in order to do that, the area has to be expanded for it to fit. To do this, they'll have to insert a tissue expander at time of surgery, minimally filled, and then I'll go back to his office every 2-3 weeks to get it filled a little more. Once it's full to the level I will want to stay at, we'll have to leave it that way for 3 months, then it will be removed and the implant put in at that time. WOW! First of all, I'm very happy that the technology exists for something like this, and that I'll be getting reconstructive surgery at all. That's very important to me and I'm so thankful. This was an unexpected bump in the road, however, and I'm still digesting.
The doctor assured me I would be in "a great deal of pain" due to the tissue expanders, and would be out of commission for a week or so, but it would be a somewhat long healing process. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system of family and friends that will make this possible from keeping my child, to taking care of me, to helping me with my job, it will all get done and we'll all get through this! Thank you guys so much, I couldn't do it without your prayers, love and support!
Oh, we talked to the little one about the surgery this evening. She didn't really ask a lot of questions yet, but I'm sure there are hundreds to come. She said she didn't want me to go to the hospital and be cut, but I assured her I wouldn't feel it and the doctors would make my body better. I am trying to ease her into the being sick and tired a lot after I come home because I don't want to freak her out all at once. She's so concerned, but hopefully we can make her understand that I'm going to be back to normal before long.
From here, I'll have an appt. with the Oncologist on Wednesday AM to discuss treatment after the surgery and a pre-op appointment at the plastic surgeon's office on Wednesday afternoon. Then Thursday is the big day! Wow, I still can't believe it.

Some good news for a change!

My doctor called me this evening to tell me the results of the MRI. It seems that they didn't think the lymph nodes closest to the tumor looked suspicious, so the Dr. is taking that to mean the cancer is not in the lymph nodes! The MRI was able to pick up on a tiny lump in the other breast. He first tells me that they will be doing an MRI guided biopsy of the lump because it's too small to be picked up by an ultrasound machine at this time, so they have to do another MRI and at that time would pretty much torture me and do things that sounded out of my realm of possibility. I decided right then while talking to him that I didn't want to deal with that fear for the rest of my life, and told him that I wanted to have a double mastectomy. He said that in that case the procedure won't be necessary (thank God) and we can just proceed from here.
He also seemed to think I was making the right decision because he operated on a woman today that had a more agressive form of breast cancer come back after being treated 6 years ago and becoming cancer free at that time. I am such an anxious worry wart anyway that I would probably give myself an ulcer or a heart attack before my time worrying everyday that it would come back.
From here, I'll get a bone scan and CT scan on Monday morning, meet with the Plastic surgeon on Monday afternoon about the reconstruction (or "new set" as my husband calls it and is WAY too excited about, wonder why?!) and will be meeting with my new Oncologist on Wednesday. Well, I hope she'll be my new Oncologist. I had to tell the surgeon this evening that I wasn't able to go back to the one he recommended and he was very understanding and apologetic for the experience I had. My "politically correct" language wasn't working when he caught me off guard by asking questions about the specifics of why I hated the other office visit and I ended up saying that the nurses there were Ghetto...Ha! Whoops, where was that filter when I needed it?
After the Oncologist visit, we'll have results of the other tests and he's ready to do surgery. I guess that will be next Thursday at the very earliest, but probably in 2 weeks...mostly because I am not mentally prepared to do it in 1 week!
So, this overall is a praise report! I am anxious to have more answers, and am hesitant to get too excited, I'm not sure why really, but I am thankful beyond measure for the news received and know who my help and strength come from!

I survived the MRI...woo hoo!!!

Today was the day of the MRI & I was a mess when I got to the hospital. When I say a mess, what I mean is I was breathing heavy (on the verge of panting), sweating, and my heart was beating uncontrollably. They finally take me back an hour later to get the beautiful gown on, take my vitals, etc. and then the tech takes me into the room (or should I call it the chamber?). On t.v. it seems like the MRI machines are freaky looking, and somewhat coffin like, but it seemed like this one was extra tiny. I honestly thought about running away (and might have if not for the hospital gown and bootie socks I had on). The poor tech knew how freaked out I was and felt like it was her duty to calm me. She was so sweet, but I know I scared her to absolute death. She probably thought I would have a heart attack in there by the looks of my face before I went in. Anyway, I made it, solely because I had so many people praying for me and encouraging me before I went in. I had in my mind that I would just pretend I was on a beach and keep my eyes closed the whole time. I quickly realized the thing sounds like a jackhammer half the time and a fire alarm the other half. Your happy place has to be a construction site of some kind for about an hour while you try your very best not to move a muscle on the fear that you'll have to be in there even longer as they threaten you in the beginning. It finally ended, and she said I did well not moving (evidenced by the awesome red indentions the face holder left on my forehead and cheeks...nice.)
Then it was off to the Oncologist's office. The appointment was originally scheduled for Thursday, but they called and wanted to re-schedule me for today and I was great with that. We got to the office, and I immediately got a sick feeling in my stomach. I have pretty good gut instincts, and everything in me was throwing up red flags through the entire visit. I am still not completely clear about why I'm so against using this doctor, but his staff was not at all what I expected, neither was the condition of his office, and I was just upset by the reaction I had to the whole appointment. So, that means I'll have to find another Oncologist. Hopefully my breast surgeon can refer me to another one he works closely with that I feel better about.
The blood was drawn for the Genetic testing today though, and sent off to the lab, with results coming back in 1-2 weeks. He did pretty much confirm my worst fears of what the other Dr. told me about Chemo and possibly having ovaries removed depending on the results of the genetic testing. Not sure what I'm going to do about that if it comes to it, I'm just not ready to be without ovaries...it's too much for me to think about right now.
The horrible thing is, I am SO afraid to have Chemotherapy. The main reason is that I am petrified to lose my hair. Petrified. It makes me feel so conceited to say that, but I think for a woman, hair is a part of who you are. When it's gone I guess the "I have Cancer" reality will just be there staring back at you in the mirror for a long time. I'll never be able to escape the reality of it.
My other huge concern is that it leaves me no option not to tell my little one that "Mommy is sick and will be for a while" She is so very afraid of even the word "sick" and has been talking about death and sickness and heaven a lot since her Great-Grandfather passed away earlier this year. The fear that a parent could die is something a 3 (almost 4) year old should never have to bear. I know she will be so scared and confused and worried, and this part breaks my heart into pieces. I'm crying as I type this right now thinking about my baby...please continue to pray for us, and that she is covered in peace and has a remote understanding that her Mommy will get through this. We still have to figure out how to talk to her about it & I'm so worried about her precious little spirit.

Thanks for listening to me pour my heart out to anyone who will listen. This is just like therapy...

Doctor Visits Galore!

I had another appointment today with the breast surgeon. It was initially scheduled as a check-up for the site of the biopsy last week. My husband and Mom went with me to talk to the doctor, so we grilled him for a good little while! He was very informative, yet scared the living daylights out of me. He said that depending on the results of the MRI, (which I'm having tomorrow morning and will have results on Thursday evening) and results of genetic testing, (which I'm having on Thursday, and will have the results in 2 weeks) I will have to decide on a course of treatment. The MRI will be able to tell if there are any additional masses on either side that can't be detected by ultrasound or mammogram, or if the lymph nodes are abnormally enlarged, which would mean it's likely spread. The genetic testing will determine if I have the breast cancer gene, and if I do, there is a 50% chance I will get it again, and to be safe, I should have a double mastectomy. We discussed this part last week, however, the part he didn't mention before is that if I am gene positive for breast cancer, I should also consider having my ovaries removed because it's tied in closely with ovarian cancer as well. Are you kidding me? So, that was a shock, and I'm still digesting that. Then he says that no matter what, I will probably need Chemotherapy because I'm so young and will want to make sure there are no cancer cells remaining. I agree that I certainly only want to go through this once, but I was really praying I wouldn't have to do Chemo at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not resigned to that, I've still got to talk to the Oncologist, and there are tests that have to come back, but I'll admit that whole thing was a blow. Oh, we also found out that since the tumor is an estrogen receptor (which means it's fed by the estrogen my body is naturally producing) I will need to take a medication to block that, but will probably also be put on a medication to put my body into a "mock menopause" to calm down the normal 29 year old female hormone productions/cycles. Um, wow!
Needless to say, this was a lot to digest, and I've had a day filled with mixed emotions. Tomorrow is an MRI which I'm scared about because I'm claustrophobic (did I spell that right?) and will have to lie still in a tight space for over an hour...panic is rising as I'm typing.
I just need to know what I'm up against, so I can do this, hopefully this won't have to happen often. I have another appt. scheduled in 2 weeks to figure out which surgery I'm having and get it scheduled. Hopefully whichever surgery we decide on will get this out of me already and we can start the rest of the battle, whatever that will entail, in about 3 weeks.
Sorry for the L-O-N-G story, just trying to get it all in :)

And then it hits you...

I haven't updated here in a while, mostly because my life is crazy busy lately. I have been so overwhelmed with the stresses of my job (which recently took on a whole new responsibility that's fun & exciting, but whoa!) and being a Mom to a challenging 3 year old and wife. I'm all stressed out over little things thinking I've got a hard life and all and then IT happened. I went to my ahem...girl doctor about 2 weeks ago for a yearly exam after not going for about a year and 1/2. The doctor found a lump in one of my breasts while doing that exam and referred me to a breast specialist in the area. Looking back on it, I should've probably caught on to the urgency in her tone when she gave me his card and told me she wanted me to "call him today, when you get in your car go ahead and call him". I'm just thinking calm down, I'll do it, no biggie. My appointment with him was on Tuesday, August 11th. I had a 2:30 appt. and was really upset when they kept me for 3 hours doing a manual exam, ultrasound, mammogram and needle biopsy. I'm all "seriously, I have so many things I NEED to be doing right now!" Being 99% sure the results would come back as nothing serious, just a lump that may or may not need to come out I was mildly concerned. I have a family history of Fibroid cysts, but no breast cancer so I'm not really worried. The doctor called me on Thursday evening to give me the results and when I answered he says "Mrs. Walker are you at home?" I say "Yes" then he says "Is your husband home right now?" It's at that time my heart sinks and I know what's coming. The words that no person wants to hear. "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you have cancer." Oh.Dear.Lord help me...Cancer?! So, he goes into the whole specifics of what type of breast cancer I have and how serious it looks etc. I don't hear much after that, but he made another appointment for me to come to his office and talk to his wife, who's a nurse, the next day.

So, I digest the news, and try to be a brave little soldier that night...sleep eventually comes and the next morning I wake up a complete mess of emotions. I updated my Facebook status to just ask my wonderful FB friends for prayer and was overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers and phone calls that we received that day. I cried more that day than maybe I ever have in my life. We went to see the surgeon's wife who was wonderfully understanding and explained some things to me. Then she hands me this "Young Survivors Coalition" tote bag with a pink bandana tied to it & a pink water bottle in it. Whoa! It looks like a breast cancer awareness billboard and I wasn't ready for that, but I guess it's my reality now. The bag was full of books, brochures and literature about breast cancer and she told me to read it over the weekend and think of questions to ask the Dr. when I go back on Tuesday.
I decided I don't want to hear the worst case scenarios and what could happen, or what happened to someone else, because I figure my situation will be different than anyone else and I don't want to be scared and worried any more than I already am.
So, the weekend was full of waiting...just waiting...and the time ticked on. We had some friends come into town on Saturday and that was a welcome change of pace. Our girls played all day, the guys did their favorite thing of sitting on the couch, watching football highlights and ESPN Classics, and I got a much needed girls night of dinner and a movie with a wonderful friend. So, now the waiting continues.
On a bright note, I have a real peace about this situation (well, most of the time. I have my bad times). I know it's only the peace that comes from the Lord and am so thankful that I have wonderful prayer warriors praying on my behalf when the words just won't come for me. Thank you to anyone that thinks of me, mentions me in a prayer, or sends well wishes my way. I appreciate you!